"I would like to thank the Academy...". Who hasn't dreamt of saying those words? I sure have. And I deserve the award, too. Not for acting in a movie, but for acting in life. Maybe you can relate.
It's funny when a heart begins to change. When hands clenched so tight begin to loosen, and chains begin to fall. This is the beginning of my story. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me as I only begin to move past what has been a lifelong compulsion to control, arrange and organize not only myself but the people around me. Nearly 18 years after becoming a Christian, will I finally learn to trust God? Only time will tell. As I said....it's a beginning.
For as long as I can remember my life has been about money. Or not enough money. Or what I considered to be not enough money. Poor management coupled with poor communication with my husband poured gasoline on a fire I didn't even know was burning. I joke that my solution to any problem is "work more, try harder." I took this to heart over the past years. Need more money for a bill? Get a second job. More bills? More hours. Still not enough? Quit tithing. This cycle got bigger and bigger until finally, for the past year, I worked myself into a 77 hour per week schedule. The harder I worked, the bigger the problem got. And the angrier I became. Remember the Academy? The award for Martyr of the Year goes to.....
It began slowly, this unfurling. Ann Voskamp says that you can't receive grace through a clenched fist. Or something like that. She's right. What if you don't realize your fist is as clenched as it is? I only saw the marks of my fingernails etched into my palms when I opened my hand. My plan was to wait until all my bills were paid up and then start tithing again. Clean up my act before I come before the Throne of Grace. Here's the thing...that I know...that I said I believed...my act wouldn't get clean before I came before Him. Two months ago I started tithing. Sounds like an easy thing to do but for a controller like me, who required proof before I put my foot in the Jordan, it was huge. And you know what? I survived. And thrived. The next step was to sponser a child from Compassion International. I have wanted to for a long time but never thought I could afford it. For the price of a pizza a paycheck I can do this. AND NOW....I cut my hours back. It will be all I can do to stop this "nevermindnevermindnevermind" rolling through my head and heart and take them back. I want the security. But I am placing my security in ME. It's hard to be on the throne, people. Time for me to get off.
God's timing, as always, is perfect. We are going to be going through Beth Moore's study Breaking Free starting in September. Chains are gonna fall.
Love and Joy in Christ,
Dawn
No comments:
Post a Comment