Halfway

Sometimes you can read a blog and it will stop you cold. That's what happened to me today.

I was reading Ann Voskamp's blog. To read the whole thing, click here. In one of the paragraphs she states "She was over half way now. If she was given a full seventy years, she was over halfway now."

Ok, I'm 46. Which means if I live to 92, I am halfway now. I think it's a good bet. Halfway. Over.

At 46, am I who I want to be? Have I spent over HALF of my life pretending? Acting like someone I am not?

I can't tell you who I will be. But I can tell you who I have been.

Numb. For 46 years. I don't know when it happened, when I lost the ability to be truly joyful, truly upset, truly concerned. Don't get me wrong, I have slivers of those feelings. But down deep? I don't go there.

Fearful. Of everything. Of not being enough. Of being a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad friend. A bad Christian. Fearful of being laughed at, not approved of. A failure.

An idolater. When I was younger I learned that running away to movie stars and pop idols was a great way to escape. As an adult it was hard habit to break. It still lurks if I am not careful. But it was replaced with control, security, approval, money, activity...you get the picture.

We have started Breaking Free by Beth Moore in bible study. It's so funny that I actually thought I didn't have anything else to work through. Laugh out loud funny! Freedom for the captives? I'm all in.

----Grace is the backbone of every woman still standing.---- Ann Voskamp 09/19/2013